She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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