Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
