i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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