he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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