i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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