honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
