haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
