Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
