I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
