i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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