I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
