Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
