picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
