i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Congratulations! We have a period
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
