There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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