its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
