And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
