I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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