I'm lost and stupid without you.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
