Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's blow job season.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
