wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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