I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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