tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
