My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
