Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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