Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
