p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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