i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
