OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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