Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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