dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
