last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
