I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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