The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
