I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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