he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
