I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
