I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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