question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was CRYING into my vagina
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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