i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
