WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
