Me. At least after what I've been through.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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