then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
