i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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