The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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