she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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