Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
