Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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