Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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