Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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