"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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